We'll be playing a benefit for Clinton/Bush relief fund for the survivors of the earthquake in Haiti on February 14 - yes it's Valentine's Day, and no I don't care that it's Valentine's Day.  Pretty morbid holiday when you think about it - get shot with an arrow by a naked baby and then be forced into a lifetime of "do this, do that, blah blah blah".  But I digress ... Details will be coming.  I believe there's some info floating around on the Facebook interweb thingy for those of you that are into the whole "social networking" stuff.  I refuse to do it because I don't want to start talking to people I severed relations with years ago because I didn't want to talk to them anymore.  Nor do I want schools to contact me about reunions (I don't talk to people I went to high school with for a reason) or my favorite, "alumni donations".  A big EFF YOU to the alumni donation.  They didn't help me find a job, and I got my diploma only after paying them my final semester bill.  So Chancellor Meehan can eat it.  Again, I digress ... stay tuned for details as I get it.
 
Thanks to everyone who came out to Theodore's in Springfield on Friday night.  Man, that was a hell of a flight ... seriously, that is a long car ride man.  Good thing Theodore's is a pretty cool place, and the owners and staff are very cool as well.  I didn't try the vittles, but if you're in that area, go eat there and show some love!
 
OK, I don't know why I do these things to myself, but I watched some of the Grammy Awards last night.  Actually, I watched it to see what they did with the lighting and crap, and to be honest, I thought it was a very poorly light set for a television broadcast (see if you can find the Lady Antebellum performance on youtube and see what I mean - ideally, one should be able to see the performers, not watch them get hit on the head with the projection scrim because it's too dark to see their cues ...)
 
Not that anybody else cares about this stuff, I'm just saying ...
 
Comments:
 
- So, I can "vote" for a "classic" Bon Jovi performance and my choices are "Living on a Prayer", "It's My Life" and some other dreck that they've put out?  What about "Runaway" or "Dead or Alive"?  In the end I didn't see what happened, but is Richie Sambora back or does he still look like the guy that ate Richie Sambora?
 
- Speaking of fat, I have never heard of the Zac Brown Band, but it's nice to see some big, buffet destroying good ole boys can still make it in the business.  I could just imagine their heartwarming story about slugging it out for years on the club scene before making it big, especially when they thanked their record company, management company and at least three marketing companies ... please ...
 
- Kings of Leon are apparently the only rock band around since Dave Grohl broke up the Foo Fighters to yet again attempt to force people to like Josh Homme ... didn't work with Kyuss, didn't work with Queens of the Stone Age, so now you have to hop behind the kit and get Grandpa JPJ on the bass to make it work, eh?  Good luck.  At least those creepy Southern Kings of Leon dudes can handle their booze ...
 
- If "punk" band Green Day didn't jump the shark when "punk rocker" Billie Joe Armstrong got busted in CA copping blow in his Mercedes Benz (not very "punk rock"), I would say they jumped it when they advertised their pending Broadway musical version of America Idiot, complete with a cast of singers with Napoleon Dynamite hand gestures.  Somebody make it stop, please.  Isn't there a number I can call in the US government if I know someone is trying to defraud the public?
 
- I like Jamie Fox better when he dressed up as the big ugly woman on "In Living Color", not when he jumped around like a jackass with that vocoder T-Pain dude on the "a-a-a-a-alcohol" tune.  And then Slash comes out of nowhere and starts plooking away on the "November Rain" solo?  What?  Am I having another Bud Light induced nightmare?  Am I going to wake up on the porch peeing into my driveway again?
 
- I give Pink a one word review.  Stink.
 
- Taylor Swift is a robot, although I may be wrong because a robot would be able to correct it's pitch before destroying "Rhiannon" with Stevie Nicks.  Although somebody said "I always wondered what a cat and goat would sound like singing together ..."
 
- Colbert - not too funny.  And since when does "comedy album" get televised?
 
Finally, because rehashing this in my head is making me want to drink:
 
- There is not a worse band right now than the Black Eyed Peas.  Off key drivel wrapped in 4th grade Halloween costumes.  When the singer at the end said "welcome to the future", I understood why JD Salinger, Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze and Ted Kennedy all decided to check out before being subjected to this band's sorry effing excuse for talent.
 
Yup, you have entered Bittertown, population: me.  We'll talk more later after I get more coversheets for my TPS reports.
 
 

Ladies and gentlemen, worlds have collided.  Much like when relationship George and friend George were brought together, or when an asteriod hit the Earth and killed all the dinosaurs, two coexisting, but apparently unrelated realities combined specifically for the reason of telling me that the Universe believes I am a failure.  Allow me to explain ...
 
First, if you read this regularly, you have realized my fondness for things like cheap American beer, and my disdain for the corporate workplace that I dwell in for 10-14 hours a day.  I know you too share my pain, which is why I write about it, so I can get a little sympathy when you come to a show on a Friday night - you think "hey, this guy got up at 5am to sell what's left of his soul to a faceless European conglomerate and now he's gonna bring the thunder ... I gotta buy him a beer!"  Yes, people, that's it.
 
So, if you read the update from before Christmas, you know I also have a growing distaste for those that are involved in "function" business, be it employees at a hall, caterers, DJs, etc.
 
Well, last night those two entities decided to combine in one large lump of will-crushing hate.
 
See, we had a little corporate "function" at the office to celebrate the fact that a whole bunch of the sales weasels were in the office to bitch at me that they have "nothing new to sell", then tell me about the various cruises, vacations, houses and cars that they've purchased while hocking the crap I give them.  Seriously, these dudes could spend their lives in their underbags answering emails and the phone and still make more than I ever will, but they never look at how lucky they are.  Assholes.  Anyways, the function is a "Casino Night", which made me laugh because Tony used to talk about making a GB band called the "Casino Knights".  So, these meth-addled dudes come in to set up roulette and blackjack tables, and the caterer comes in to set up the Cool Ranch Dorito inspired cuisine, beer and wine.  There's Bud Light, which is important, and some suitable backups including regular Bud and Rolling Rock.
 
To make a long story short, I have a couple of beers, three to be exact in the first hour and a half of the "fun".   I decide I want number 4, so I mosey on up to the bar where the guy looks at me, ignores me and helps the guy behind me.  This guy, Magic Mike, orders a Bud Light ...
 
So I say, "Hey, can you make that two please?"
 
The guy turns around, hands a beer to Magic Mike, and turns towards another guy behind me.  So I say,
 
"Can I get a Bud Light, please?"
 
Then he says.
 
"You've already had three drinks in less than an hour and I'm not serving you anymore."
 
Except, he says it like this: "YOU'VE ALREADY HAD THREE DRINKS IN LESS THAN AN HOUR AND I'M NOT SERVING YOU ANYMORE."
 
So I said, "What?"
 
And he repeated himself ...
 
Louder ...
 
So, I took that as I sign and retreated to my automobile where I apparently drove crapfaced all the way home.  (By the way, I'm being sarcastic here and by no means endorsing the operation of automobiles, tractors, planes, trains, bicycles, email or musical instruments while under the influence of alcohol, so don't start bombarding me with hate mail - I already get enough of that).  Best decision I've made in recent memory ...
 
Now, let me say that I have never been shut off before in my entire life.  I've been thrown out, but never shut off.  (For example, I was in a Irish bar in NYC (big suprise there) where there were two dudes doing the acoustic guitar cover thing.  They were asking for "shout out requests" so I started screaming "Play 'War Ensemble' by Slayer" and "Play 'Chopped in Half' by Obituary" .  At this point, some little New York dude comes up to me and says "Hey, you need to shut up."  At which point I say "Yeah and who are you?"  And he says "I'm the owner" and calls the bouncer over who escorts me to the street.  But I digress ...)  Seriously, ask the other guys if you don't believe me ... the other thing you should remember is that I have an almost inhuman capacity to drink Bud Lights as they are one of my four food groups, along with Diet Pepsi, soup and shame.
 
Shutoff at the company party by an overweight caterer.  Funny story?  Not really.  More embarrassing than anything else.  2010 is off to a great start people.  Thanks.
 
In all seriousness, thank you to all the people who came down to Gilrein's for New Year's Eve.  It was a pleasure to bring in 2010 with a great bunch of people.  The last decade started with a war and ended with a recession, so let's see if we can get this one going better.  I'm off to a bad start, but you guys can do it!
 
Later
 
 

That's right people, we'll be a t Gilrein's in Worcester for New Years Eve.  Show will start around 9 or 9:30 PM, and entry is either $25 if you want dinner, or $15 if you just wanna booze it up and watch the show.
 
Let's do this.  Thanks to everyone we saw at the Beachcomber!  More on that later ...
 
- El Jefe

That's right - the Beachcomber in Quincy this Saturday night.  Sure it's the day after Christmas, but what else are you going to do?  More shopping?  Hang at the house with the wife and the inlaws, drinking cider and eating stale cookies while you hear about how you should make more money/be nicer to their daughter/stop drinking so much?  Yeah, like it was my dream to be locked into a 30 year mortgage and a soul-sucking career that affords me such luxuries as car payments and stupidly high property taxes.  Yup, just what I was thinking when I failed Calculus 1 for the third time.  Listen, I was supposed to be either a rock star or running my own custom garage with a show on MTV where I showed off my mediocre neck tattoos while turning an '51 Mercury into chopped flat black sleeper.  I'd even have a Spanish speaking interior guy that they had to run closed captioning on every time he spoke so you could understand him when he talked about the crazy suede leather interior he was making.  Nope.  Instead I'm here writing an update on work time - or is it?  I mean I got here at 5:45 AM while everyone else is home biting the pillow.  Shouldn't this be my time?  Anyways, come down to the Beachcomber - not that I'm gonna GG Allin the show or anything, but at least being around the smiling faces of music fans and some icy cold Bud Lights will dull the pain of this winter time existence.
 
OK, so the good news was that we had a little warmup show this past Saturday - yes, it was the dreaded office Christmas party.  Me and Tony got to play some jazzy stuff with Marko and Kenny - yikes.  Suffice it to say, I am the whitest bass player of all time, barring maybe Rudy Sarzo and that guy in Loverboy.  As this was a south shore company, I had my hopes that the place would be chock full of hot Hingham chicks with 65 year old husbands on their third marriages, but no dice.  Now, the people there were cool, but if never set foot into one of these swanky country club places, it will be too soon.  What is it with these places that attracts these bartenders/waiters and their passive/aggressive bullshit?  The bartender told me he "never thought he'd see the day when they allowed people in jeans and hats" into the place.  So, I said "hey, I'm wearing jeans and I had a hat on when I came in."  And he says "yeah, I know."  Really?  Your career decision to become a ballroom bartender now makes you the superior in this relationship?  Lots of people flunk out of college, but not all of them put on a black vest and a white shirt and make smartass comments to others.  Oh well, I deal with people who reek of failure and shame everyday, so Merry Christmas douchbag bartender guy!  I hope Santa brings you whatever you want for Christmas, be it a new apron or a new '77 Honda to drive you back to Brockton.
 
Bitter.
 
This just reinforces my stance on private functions - never again.  It's not usually the people at the party, it's all these cheesy Frugal Fannie suit wearing broads and their clipboards and the failed journalists/bankers/engineers working the bar.  I can't drink because I'm the "help"? (True story, by the way).  Umm, OK.  I'll just go hit the stash I have in the trunk.  Whatever.
 
Usually, this is the time of year that I bring up the office "holiday" party.  Fortunately, after being bought out by a massive European-based conglomerate whose high quality consumer products can be bought at high end retailers like Ocean State Job Lot, there is not enough money to force us all into some local hotel ballroom to pound water-downed drinks at the cash bar and hit the carving station for some dry roast beef.  Thank you, Jesus.  Seriously, who really enjoys these?  I usually wake up with a pounding headache and an inbox full of emails that start with "I can't believe you said …"  Yup, career-limiting acts are my specialty, like when I was at dinner with the CEO and some of the marketing broads talked about a "sleepover" they had at their directors house.  Naturally, I asked if at any point during the evening if they stripped down to bra and panties for a tickle fight.  Sure, Mr. CEO dropped his fork and said my question was inappropriate, but who wasn't thinking the same thing?  People gotta loosen up.  Unfortunately, the office holiday party is never a good place to do so.  Not a good place for the non-drinkers to experiment, either.  Sure, the Kamikaze shots are a good idea at the time, but the next thing you know you're slow dancing with Bill from finance and he's getting a little "free" with his hands … or you end up with Jim from shipping in the copy room with your ass on the Xerox.  What does that have to do with Christmas?
 
OK, I'm done.  Merry Christmas and/or Happy Hannakuh.  See you on Saturday at the Beachcomber - wear your ugly sweater from Aunt Gladys.  And don't forget:
 
NEW YEARS EVE at GILREINS IN WORCESTER!
 
- Jeff
 
 

Yes, I said The Beachcomber in Quincy on December 26.  Yes, that's the day after Christmas, and yes, you will want to go out because after two or three days of hanging with your relatives, you're gonna need a few drinks.  Don't even try and lie to me.  Besides, it's the Mecca of Montclair, the Grandeur Germantown, the Palace of the Point, the W of Wollaston, the Heaven of Hospital Hill ... people, it's the House That Jimmy Built.  HotPizzaADollah!  Yeah, it ain't really patio weather, but what the hell?  Hopefully JoeBuck and the rest of them will finally stop harassing us about playing somewhere nearby ...
 
Yeah, beyond that, we have another date coming up:
 
Thursday, December 31 - Gilrein's in Worcester
 
For those that don't understand the date, that is NEW YEARS EVE!!!  Let's hope it's better than the giant snow turd we got last year a Waxy O'Whatever's place.  I mean, it will be fun, I just don't know about the effing sleigh ride on the way home on 495.  I suppose one could get a hotel room, but that only makes sense if you're gonna commence to some hittin' after the show, know what I mean?  Otherwise, you're just a lonely guy in a hotel room in Worcester with no beer and the Skinemax advertisement staring you down from the top of the TV.  Then what?  Drop $17.99 on a movie that you're only going to watch for 5 minutes, maybe 10 if you keep the RPMs down?  No thanks, I'm going home where there's always plenty of beers.
 
So, get it together, people.  And, pray that we can pull this weekend together in the studio and finish the freaking record ... no promises, I'm just saying ...
 
Happy Belated Thanksgiving.  Enjoy your shopping trips ...